Note: Text from fic is bolded.
“It‘s a Doom fic,” July groaned at the Console’s screen. Her groan of dismay was more closely related to the fact that the two Agents had just returned from their first mission a few hours ago and now it was time for another one, rather than the poor quality of the fic. “I used to play it when I was little,” she said, remembering kindergarten days filled with learning letters, words, and shapes in the classroom and playing on the computer and shooting demons and monsters at home. “One of the first computer games I ever played.”
“Oh?” Library was not familiar with computer games, though she had gotten a brief idea of how computers could do things beyond just work when she had been processed through recruitment earlier, since one of the Agents doing her processing had given Library a short run down regarding computers. “What is it about?”
“It doesn‘t have much of a story, beyond shooting demons. It was pretty violent.” July sounded fairly happy.
Library gave her partner a sidelong look. “You were allowed to play this when you were younger?”
“Only when my mom wasn’t around. My dad knew better than that,” July said, grinning.
Library shook her head in amusement as July walked over to her backpack, taking the Harry Potter books out with care and putting them on top of the nearest available surface. July had bounced back very quickly from the sour mood she had returned with in only a few minutes.
“Got writing material this time,” July said, as she checked to make sure the parchment sheets they had grabbed from their first mission were in the bag. “No need to partially memorize the charges like last time!”
They made sure they had everything this time. While the two agents were still very new to the work of the PPC, they were both smart enough to not do the same wrong thing twice and expect different results.
July managed to open the portal into the fic, though she hesitantly eyed the control panel for disguises. Since she had no idea how to work it at all, she left that alone for now.
July nodded. And then after a moment she said, “Oh, I know.” She sprinted over to the opposite wall and picked up the sledgehammer, hefting it up over her shoulder. “I like this,” she said, grinning.
Library went through the portal first, and July followed shortly after, backpack slung over her shoulders, and the sledgehammer swinging dangerously in her grip.
July stepped through the open portal into a completely generic space. Something that reminded her of stereotypical elevator music was playing. All she could see was an implied computer, faint in the generic light, and at it…
“Um, Library, what are you doing?”
“Something else is controlling me! I can‘t move!” Library hissed, angrily. Against her will, Library’s hands were controlling the mouse and keyboard of the implied computer.
July paused for a moment. She hadn’t been prepared for this. “Buwah?”
“It‘s in a first person point of view! Look at the words!”
I was playing doom while downloading tons of WAD files(addons for doom).while playing music.i had just pick up a chainsaw(my favorite)and hacked the nearest imp to pieces.when the screen got all swirly and stuff.then the screen blacked out.“What?”Was my last thought.
July‘s eyes unfocused slightly while she looked at the words and painful grammar. “Ooh. Ow.” She looked back at the computer. Library was now missing. “Oh man, I‘m such a bad partner…” She set the sledgehammer down to pull out the remote activator and the tatty manual.
It was amazingly helpful. In the section regarding Point of View, particularly on the first person perspective, someone had written in the margins “Hope someone else gets it.” There was nothing else on the topic.
July stuffed the manual back into her backpack and then opened a portal, and dragged her sledgehammer through behind her.
On the other side of the portal, Library had just appeared with a pistol in hand. “Cool!” She grimaced at what she had been forced to say.
“Library!” July yelled, as she ran out of the portal. “Um, uh, hang on!”
This did nothing at all, since Library was still possessed by the first person perspective and going through the motions of shooting the monsters and proceeding through the rooms.
July followed, muttering “What do I do?” constantly under her breath. “This is so bad it could be a troll…”
“A what?” Library shouted back as she shot a brown spiky demon, one of the imps of the game, in the bum.
“Troll! They do stupid stuff for attention and to annoy people!”
“Like this is annoying me?”
July nearly tripped into the slime pit. “Troll!” She grinned.
“Maybe it’s a troll fic!” July stood up (being careful to not fall in the pit) and pulled one of the parchment sheets and folded it until it was straight and thick, and then messily scribbled a word onto it. The word possibly started with the letter B, but July's writing was completely illegible, so there was no telling. She ran over toward her still possessed partner, and hit her with it. “The power of the ban stick compels you, troll! Out!”
Nothing happened. July kept hitting her partner with it.
“Um, the ban fan compels you?” Nothing.
“July, what are you trying to do?”
“Trying! Er, Ban-danda?”
“It‘s not working very well! And stop with the puns!”
The next one was hard to pronounce. “B&?” Nothing.
July swore. “God damn John Carmack!” That worked.
Library had stopped walking, and an author wraith appeared, wailing in bad chatspeak and fragment sentences as it mindlessly continued onwards. “It worked,” she said, surprised.
“That worked?” July was surprised too. “I didn‘t think that would work. I mean, seriously, did that actually work?”
“Yes, it worked, and look, that thing is coming back.” Library said. The author wraith had came out of the ‘hidden passage’ that had appeared earlier.
The two Floaters followed it into a ‘short,bloodstained hallway’ and then through a wall section it had pushed ‘oppened‘. “What the hell is it, anyways?” July said, as she flipped through the manual.
“I think it‘s the author.”
“Are we allowed to kill him?”
“I‘m not sure. Can‘t you look it up in that book of yours?”
“Um, book says we can kill that, but not the actual author. Apparently it’s an author wraith. So can we kill it now?”
“Yes, you can kill it-”
An imp approached them. “Hey look, an imp.” July read the Words and snickered. “Oh, I know, this is terrific, quick, we need to charge it righ-”
Library read the Words, and having a bit more common sense than July, she realized what the imp in front of them was going to do. “July, duck!” she yelled, which her partner did just in time to avoid being gobbed with a flaming snotball.
Library turned towards the author wraith. “You are charged with the following,” Library said in a terse voice. “Possession of an agent of the PPC, absence of capitalization and spaces, abusing stops, poor spelling, abusing the first person perspective, transdimensional hopping, being as stupid as one can possibly be, and creating flaming snotballs.” Library had evidently read up on the charges when July had been gone between missions.
“Which, incidentally, is what you‘re gonna die from.” July added, just as the author wraith was hit by the flaming snotball and watched as it disappeared with a wail. The flaming snotball dropped to the floor as the canon snapped back into place with little tension.
“Ew.” July prodded at it with her sledgehammer.
“July, stop poking at it.”
“But it‘s still on fire and stuff!”
“Then we can take it back with us, if you‘re so interested.”
“But it‘s gross!”
“You‘re still poking it, though.”
After some careful use of the sledgehammer as a polo mallet and one portal later, they finally returned to their Response Center.
“Next time, you get to be the one possessed, July.” Library told her partner, as she cleaned the pistol from the badfic off on the edge of her skirt. She had unloaded the remaining ammo the moment they had came back, and, to her partner’s surprise, was fairly adept with a gun, even after having had fully recovered from being possessed by the author wraith’s first person perspective. July made sure to not ask where Library had learned to use a gun. ”I‘m not going through that again.”
“Uh huh. How about neither of us get possessed next time instead? I still don't know if that was a troll or not.” July was still poking at her strange acquisition, which was still on fire and currently scorching the patch of floor it had been left on. She turned towards Library to say something, and frowned. “Wasn‘t your skirt brown earlier?”
“What do you mean was-” Library eyed her skirt. She had thought earlier that it was just the lighting of the room, but her once dark brown skirt was now a black skirt, no way to deny it. Library‘s lips thinned, almost unnoticeably. “I see. Well, at least this way the burned parts aren‘t so noticeable.”
It took all of July’s self control to not say anything at all, because while the gun didn‘t have any ammunition in it right now, there was always the chance Library might be good at throwing things, and pistols tended to leave bruises.
Author's Note: There's really no excuse for this one at all. It was just BAD. Bad enough that I had no idea whether it was a troll or not, and it seems that July and Library had the same problem.
And now, time for some background information!
At some Internet forums, trolls are not allowed, and are often banned, because while they might not be technically doing anything against the rules, they still cause trouble. The ability to ban members is usually referred to as having the ban stick (thus what July was trying), or sometimes the ban hammer. If July tried using the sledgehammer as a ban hammer, I don't think there's anything in the multiverse that would have prevented her from getting hurt in return. There's not enough evidence to show whether July's attempt with banning failed because it wasn't a troll or failed because PPC =/= moderators. Probably because PPC =/= moderators more likely than anything else. July has an attachment to that side of Internet culture which might lead to problems later on down the road.
John Carmack is the man who wrote the engine for Doom. The engine is the core code of the game it is used for.
And that's about it.