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Agent July ([personal profile] agent_july) wrote2015-05-31 03:19 pm

Mission: DREW PICKLES GOES TO MCDONALDS


Look ma, July took care of a troll! Set late April 2008 HST.



Somehow, she had ended up alone in the RC. It was kinda funny, actually. It'd been half a year since she had been partnered up with Library, and it was the first time she had been alone in it.

So, just in case, July was keeping herself on her toes. No rest, no comfort to let the console beep the moment Library walked in. And she had no idea when that would be, actually. The other girl had gone to get more things to read, and July had never been able to figure out how long she took at it since usually they split up at the Cafeteria.

So, she did something. "Three thousand six hundred fifty five and a quarter, three thousand six hundred fifty five, three thousand six hundred fifty four and four quarters…" July opened an eye cautiously and stared at the floor. Looking back on it, hanging off of the top bunk and counting downwards wasn't such a good idea.

[BEEEP!]

There was a yell of shock and July landed headfirst.

"Ow…" There was a moment of dazed confusion as she got up. It didn't last long before she shook her head, trying to clear the double vision and floating miscellaneous dots from her head.

"Fourth time in total," she said, after she finally confirmed getting the mission. Tallying head injuries gave incentive as to why to not get another one, but it didn't seem to work so well.

She looked towards the doorway before she returned to staring at the screen.

Sadly, the Sues had not run off with the bedsheet during the invasion, and the macroviruses hadn't either. And there was no indication that Library was coming back.

"'Drew Pickles Goes to McDonalds'?" She scanned the rest of the summary. "Dubya. Tee. Eff. No one said we'd do trolls, too."

There was a pause while she waited for a reply that never came.

"Oh yeah. I'm alone, aren't I?" She steepled her fingers against the side of the console. "What to do, what to do…"

___________

Approximately thirty minutes later, a portal opened and the crash dummy came flying out, propelled by a hard kick on July's part. It quickly inflated into a vague form that seemed similar to Drew Pickles, though it looked as though it had been over-inflated and slightly run over. In short, fairly misshapen. July came out shortly after, carrying a small boombox and a guitar instead of her usual sledgehammer.

She winced and went slightly pale as the troll fic went into action. There was no chance July was going to want to go into a McDonalds for a long, long time without flashbacks. "Scatology isn't my thing," she muttered under her breath as she set the boombox down. July turned it on and set it to CD.

She straightened up and looked at the troll/crash dummy. It was currently relieving itself in the fryer. "Hey! Troll!" she shouted.

It looked at her and roared while it continued to violate the sanctity of the fryer. "Hello I am Drew Pickles, the gayest man in the world with a 9,999,999,999 mile long penis and I am going to go to McDonald's."

"That's nice." She grinned. "You know Johnny Cash at all?"

The troll evidently did not, for it continued reciting.

"Ah well." She strummed the guitar experimentally and frowned. It was horribly out of tune. "Probably wouldn't have done even if it was tuned, I can't play anyway."

She leaned over and pressed play. An unmistakable song began to play. Johnny Cash's voice rang out from the speakers, singing "Love is a burning thing…"

The troll didn't seem very inclined to pay attention. "…than fry the poop and eat the poop and everyone eating there will puke…"


July pulled out a book of matches, but not before flipping a table on its side. "Oh I fell into a ring of burning fire, and I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher…" She struck a match, and then lit the entire book on fire. She aimed carefully at the fryer, tossed the book of matches into the hot oil, and promptly took cover behind the table, still singing along with the song. "… And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire."

The explosion was impressive.

July peeked over the top of the table to stare at the burning troll, which didn't seem to be very happy with the current state of affairs. "Troll, flame; flame, troll. You've met before, I'm sure." She paused. "Oh yah, I forgot something, didn't I? You were trolling, and the sentence is a nice, sizzly death. Oh, and tu madre, punk."

The wait to retrieve the crash dummy wasn't the best; there was nothing to do but wait for the troll to die, which seemed to be taking quite a bit of time, even with the amount of flames around it. Eventually it died, and July looked for a fire extinguisher so she could pick up the crash dummy safely.

Portaling back into the response center brought a smoky and charcoal-colored July into Library's view from her position on the mattress. "What were you doing?" Library asked.

July grinned as she tried to wipe some of the black soot off of her face, and revealed reddened skin. The crash dummy was in far worse condition, but was—probably because of a very wise Makes-Things, may he rest in peace, knowing about the general pyromaniacal nature of agents—still in one piece. "Just playing with fire."
___

I get the feeling July didn't go by the book for this one, but on the other hand, I think this is the first explicit troll killed by the PPC, so to say, since the Troll Division of Bad Parody never finished that mission of theirs. Also, can you tell she went a bit nuts in this one?