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Agent July ([personal profile] agent_july) wrote2015-05-31 03:01 pm

Miscellany: Mary Sue Invasion 2008

This is one of the compiled, spliced, and edited versions of the 2008 Mary Sue Invasion RP Thread. This particular version primarily follows Agents Lucien, Library, and July.

The writing in this section comes from the following Boarders:

Lee Trynace
The Trojanhorse

All Agents belong to their respective authors.

Agent Lucien was… how does one say it? Ah yes. Royally pissed off. First, that damned macrovirus invasion. Even as he stood in his RC, taking down his weapons with a blank expression, his thoughts were with his partner. They had just returned from a mission before lockdown was initiated, and poor Martin—who was a sniper by trade, out of the Firefly continuum, and avoided close combat at all costs—had been caught in the middle. Lucien knew about giving mercy, and he didn’t like it one bit. He had proceeded to ignore orders and spent several weeks in the Bunch of Grapes celebrating Martin’s life, and had arrived back at HQ with a colossal headache, a cup of coffee from Fat Sally’s, and a message on his TARDIS console about a Mary Sue invasion.

Lucien was an Assassin for a reason. And now, after downing the Red Desert Special in one gulp, he jerked his RC door open, a long, heavy sword already drawn in one hand. Forgetting, as always, that the door was exactly six feet six inches—and that his boots put him several inches above that—his head banged against the door frame. “Utumno agar tummen,” he swore, which caught the attention of a suspicious-looking girl with pointy ears.

“They were leaf-shaped, not pointy,” he muttered under his breath as she gave him a sickeningly brilliant smile. He didn’t bother to move, just smiled at her like the actor he had once been, as if he were falling for that expression—and it didn’t falter even a millimeter as she met his sword before she met him. “Not this time, annsachd.” Jerking the blade out of her and drawing a dagger as he made his way towards the cafeteria, methodically killing every ‘Sue he came across. He didn’t talk much, not even to swear.

He was (relatively speaking) a good man, after all. He didn’t particularly need to cackle over their doom-filled eyes. He just wanted them dead.

July and Library had rushed the moment they had received the Sub Rosa's message in their TARDIS to get back to HQ. While both Floaters had dealt with Sues from time to time, the girls had rarely been presented with such an opportunity.

Of course, both had different reasons for their current actions, as well as their methods.

July was swinging her sledgehammer into Sue kneecaps and the occasional skull on the upswing, every now and then whirling around with the hammer from its weight; Library was markedly less madcap, methodically shooting, reloading, and sometimes even pistol whipping Sues that strayed to close to the blond would be Librarian.

Eventually, the two reached an area that was already being taken care of by a tall blond man.

"Heya!" July shouted. The fact that he was more than a foot taller than her didn't seem to especially worry the girl; she was still elated from the bashing she had been doing. "Stu or Agent?"


The PPC was, Lucien had decided when he’d first arrived, far too overrun with females, be they Agents or ‘Sues. Not that there was much difference, and in some cases none at all. A faint, wistful thought of a possible Agent floated across his mind, which he instantly killed mentally as a bad after-effect of exposure to ‘Sues. He followed this up instantly by taking it out on the nearest ‘Sue—namely, cutting off its dainty butterfly wings with his sword and driving his dagger into its anorexic gut as it fell backwards with an overly dramatic cry. As he did, he heard a girl address… someone, asking “Stu or Agent?”

After several moments, he realized the question was addressed to him, and a dark look crossed his face as he scowled at her. He jerked his dagger out and kicked the body out of the way—it promptly exploded—and pointed at the flash-patch on his arm with his now-glitter-covered blade. “Use your eyes, y’ damn fool,” he growled (his Scottish accent thicker than its usual wont).

Any further conversation was forestalled by the hand on his arm. He followed it up to a dark-haired, beautiful face on a shapely, with a rather delicate looking necklace around her neck. She had eyes which he suspected were supposed to “be filled with glimmering starlight,” but they just looked like someone had dumped a lot of glitter in grey paint to him. He got an explanation for the almost-beautiful eyes almost immediately. “I begeth of you, in my father King Elrond’s name…”

With a wordless snarl he ran her through. He didn’t even have the energy to explain to her that Arwen had no sisters, although he took care to crush the delicate jewel that fell to the ground beneath his boot. “Just kill the bloody things and get t’ th’ mess hall!”


July craned her neck up to look at his flashpatch as he dispatched the Arwen'sSister!Sue. "Oookay, I guess you ARE an agent," she said said. "Sorry, but y'can't be too sure right now, ya know?" She had no idea how suicidal she was being with the mood the Assassin was in.

Library shot a Sue that had been stealthily approaching her partner from behind. "July, are you actively working towards self destruction? I really need to ask. Please, pay attention."

"Oh yeah, sorry bout that." July butted a Harry Potter Sue with a lightning scar with the hammer, knocking the Sue out. A quick bash to its throat took care of her. "'M July, and that's Library. Floaters. You?" she asked, conversationally. The last few months since she had joined had done wonders for her sense of self preservation and skill. Namely decreasing the first in various areas and improving the second.

July and Library worked towards the Cafeteria.

While giving July another look of “you bloody idiot,” Lucien turned his attention back to killing ‘Sues. He blinked a little, realizing he could hear shouts and what sounded like fangirl screams—probably the Mary Sues in fear. Then, with his head tilted, he made out what sounded like the word “exterminate,” and shook his head. There’s an Agent in there with very little sense, he thought as he blocked a ‘Sue that was too close with his dagger, and stabbed her—albeit non-fatally—immediately thereafter…

And then stumbled and doubled over in pain and dropped his sword, a crossbow-bolt just above his hip. What followed was a rather creative string of curses, which ranged in language from French to Gaelic to Sindarian, and even a couple in Chinese (Martin had taught him those in a very, very short timespan on one horrible mission). He pulled it out and turned, his eyes widening. “…Glaurunging HELL,” he finished, staring at her. She was reloading her bow, and he instinctively ducked and let the Sue behind him take the bolt instead, wincing as the shaft of the one in his side snapped as he hit the floor. He stabbed the convenient, stiletto-heeled foot next to him, his free hand closing on the hilt of his sword, which he brought up to slice the falling ‘Sue before she pinned him down.

“You two!” he barked at the girls. “Get behind me and deal with the damn ‘Sues, and get them and yourselves into the mess hall if you can. We’ve got a Joss-verse Slayer!Sue. I’ll deal with the stupid bint.” He was glad she wasn’t a Buffy doppelganger. This was no perky, blonde, smart-mouthed Slayer who changed the world, though, just a cheap rip-off. Still, any Slayer!Sue was not something to sneeze at.

The mess hall would have to wait. He threw himself at the ‘Sue with a cry—and if it sounded suspiciously like “Pro Libertate,” well… forgive the Scotsman in a rage.


While July had no sense of self preservation, both Floaters had respect for orders, especially when whoever was giving them out was yelling and very serious.

July dove and rolled, narrowly missing being hit by a bolt that had been meant for the tall Assassin, and took a Sue out by the knees as she rose to stand.

Library shot at another that was sneaking up behind Lucien, and reloaded. "July, where on earth did you learn to do that? I've never seen you do that, before."

"I took Jeet Kun Do for awhile before I got here," July said, taking a low blow to a fantasy Stu's crotch with the sledgehammer. "If we didn't do it right, we landed on our shoulders or heads funny, so I learned fast."

"That's nice. You'd think you'd be better at avoiding head injuries then, if that were the case."

The area behind the Assassin was finally clearing but there were still some straggling Sues, most of whom were dealt quickly with bullets and crushed skulls. "Well, that's me done here," July said. "C'mon, Library, let's get to the Cafeteria! See ya, guy!"

The two girls had managed to get lost on the way to the cafeteria after they had left the DMS Agent with the Slayer!Sue.

It wasn't until they were in a part of HQ they didn't recognize did they realize how far they likely were from the cafeteria.

That's when they heard the psychic scream demanding backup in the Tomb.

"Yagh!" July shuddered and stopped in her tracks. "Didn't like that."

For once, it Library who grabbed her partner's wrist and began to pull her along. "July, we're needed. Let's go!"


"That was a call for help!"

"I'm not denying it's a call for help, but I've gotta tie my laces!"

Library sighed, and let July tie her shoes.

July grinned once she finished. "Alright, let's get now!"

The two ran with the intention of reaching the Tomb, and upon reaching it, they gaped.

"Urple! It's urple!" July's voice oozed with pure fury. "The bedsheet is one thing, I can stand that, even the occasional glitter and funny looking sky, too, but the TOMB DOES NOT GET PAINTED URPLE AND WILVER!"

"No, it doesn't," Library agreed.

"Urple!" July wailed. "I can't believe this..." She swore, a strange mix consisting of words that normally weren't swears and the rest the foulest ones in the English language.

"July, watch your mouth. Look, there's Trojie, and I think that's Murtagh and Titus over there-"

"God dammit, they're dead! Urple!" Still swearing, July rushed in, swinging her sledgehammer as though it didn't weigh even an eighth of its twenty pounds.

Library sighed as she reloaded her gun and followed.


Seeing Titus charge the Sues, and sensing that the others were about to break formation as well, Gypsy yelled 'After him! Push it forward! Keep the line together! If you're out of ammo go for close-combat weapons, but stick together, you sons of mothers!'

'Daughters!' roared Paddlebrains, taking human shape briefly to wrestle a chain-gun from a Sue before going dog again to tear her throat out.

'And sons,' said Titus in between song-lyrics, grabbing the chain-gun and leaping back into the line. 'Everyone GET BACK!' he roared, firing into the Sue masses.

Trojie belaboured Sues left, right and centre with her length of chain, knocking them back, dazing them, so that Absinthe, green fur bespattered with blood of all shades of red and glittery pink, could tear them to pieces. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Cassie and Nat tentatively reaching for their swords, their mini-Balrogs already launching themselves into the fray.

'Think faster, you two!' Trojie called, decking a Picard's Daughter Sue who was sneaking up on them with a phaser. 'She almost had you!'

Gypsy was in her element, whirling and lunging with her now out-of-ammo shotgun as a club.

Suddenly, a TARDIS arrived, and Honesah and her Daleks emerged. The PPC agents let out a ragged cheer as the Daleks started to mow down the Sues, only ....

'Stop, my creations!' A Sue in a weird wheelchair thing emerged from the gloom.

'It can't be,' said Pads, wiping blood from her face and squinting. 'I can't believe it.'

'What?' asked Gypsy, staring as the Daleks turned and faced the new Sue, without firing.

'It's a bloody Davros-Sue.'

Around the now distracted Daleks, the Sues streamed towards the PPC.

'Back in line, kiddies!' roared Gypsy. The PPC scrambled to regain their battle positions and close ranks again. More Agents were still pouring through the door; Agents July and Library scrambling to positions with the Bad Slash agents. Library began firing methodically into the attacking Sues, while July contented herself with whirling her sledgehammer around, and herself at the same time, due to the joys of centrifugal force - one of the few Laws of Physics that the Laws of Narrative Comedy had seconded, rather than replaced, in HQ.

This time though, despite their apparent defeat of the Daleks, the Sues had not the numbers nor the heart left to fight as they had.

Titus was singing ever louder now, and as the PPC agents ran out of ammunition and the Sues seemed to get weaker and weaker, they started joining in with him.

"Hear me, heathens and wizards

And serpents of sin!

All your dastardly doings are past,

For a holy endeavor is now to begin

And virtue shall triumph at last!"

Library, the only Agent to have ammo left, had unbeknownst to the other agents, taken a careful aim on one Sue in particular. The Davros-Sue went down in a blaze of pink glitter, and the Daleks suddenly regained their sense of purpose. Honesah directed them against the last few ranks of desperate Sues, and as the singing of the PPC reached a crescendo, they dropped their weapons and began to can-can; high on a combination of exhaustion, adrenaline and glitter, as Sue corpses dropped at their feet in a hailstorm of Dalek fire. Murtagh and Titus, slightly aghast, stood to one side, Titus mouthing "You can't can-can to Man of La Mancha, it's disrespectful!", and Murtagh methodically finishing off the wounded Sues, but the power of the Narrative Laws of Comedy was driving most of the Agents present, including Lux (who'd been ambushing and molesting Sues, flushing them towards the armed Agents) who was acting as choreographer and director.

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